Behind Every
by Katt42
Summary: What is hidden behind the words and looks that Lovino gives? AU. Slight self harm. Oneshot.


Behind Every…

_-Just Wondering…_

"Si, si, I know. Oh be quiet, you don't know anything. Yes, I remember our plans, I'll be there! Okay, I have to go! Adios!" Antonio chuckled, hitting the end button on his cellphone.

He turned and walked back to the kitchen where Lovino was sitting, eating a tomato- one he had probably gotten from Antonio's fridge.

He looked up at Antonio as he walking into the kitchen, walking to the fridge and pulling out a tomato for himself. He smiled warmly at Lovino. Lovino returned the smile with a scowl of his own.

"So. Who were you talking to, bastard?" Lovino asked, shifting his gaze so that he was looking out a window next to Antonio.

"It was just Gilbert and Francis. They were being ridiculous, asking me if I remembered our plans to go out," Antonio rolled his eyes, wiping the tomato on his shirt and taking a large bite.

Lovino nodded at him, taking a bite of his own tomato.

They were silent for a few moments before Antonio said, "Why do you ask, Lovi?"

Lovino took a minute to chew and swallow a bite of tomato before stating, "Just wondering." Then standing and throwing the stem of the tomato away, walking out of the kitchen briskly.

Antonio watched him leave, more than slightly confused by Lovino's behavior.

_Is always a little curiosity._

_-I Don't Care_

"Are you sure you don't mind, Lovi?" Antonio asked for the third time.

"I said I don't give a fuck, so just leave dammit!" Lovino said, pointing at the door and glaring.

"Well, if you're sure you don't mind, and you're sure you don't want to me stay…" Antonio trailed off.

"Get. The fuck. Out." Lovino said.

"Okay, okay. I'll be home sometime tonight, probably not too late. Well with Gilbert and Francis I might actually be just a little late…" Antonio looked at Lovino, a slightly worried slightly hopeful look in his eye.

"I don't fucking care, Antonio. Now just go have fun with your dumbass friends," Lovino said with a sigh. He crossed his arms, looking away.

"Ok, since you're sure you don't care…" Antonio walked toward the door.

"Antonio…" Lovino said.

"Yes?" Antonio took a step back toward him.

"I said I didn't care." His eyes were hard as he turned too looked at Antonio again. He nodded and grabbed his coat and keys, closing the door behind him.

Lovino waited to hear Antonio drive off before sighing and walked to the couch. He sat down, pulling his knees up and hugging them to his chest. It was going to be a long night.

It was the anniversary of his mother's death, after all.

But no matter, it had been six years. Did it bother Lovino that he knew his brother Feliciano would have his stupid potato bastard boyfriend with him tonight to comfort him? Maybe a little, but Lovino wouldn't tell.

Did it hurt that Antonio was leaving to go and celebrate one of his stupid friends getting a boyfriend by drinking? Well, obviously not, he had said he didn't care. He had told Antonio to go. Because he could handle it on his own. Because he didn't care.

Much.

_Is a little emotion. _

_-I Don't Know_

"How did this happen?" Antonio asked, holding Lovino's arm up to show the large scratch- no, cut- running down his arm.

"I don't know," Lovino said, looking at the ground. Antonio lifted Lovino's chin with his free hand.

"Lovino. What happened to you?" Antonio was staring into his eyes.

"I told you, I don't fucking know what happened to my damn arm, now leave me the fuck alone," Lovino pulled his arm away from Antonio, cradling it close to his chest.

"Okay, well when you're ready to tell me what the fuck happened to you, I'll be in the kitchen," Antonio turned around, walking out of the bedroom.

Lovino sank down to the floor, waiting until he heard the sounds of Antonio starting to cook something that would probably be amazing.

When he did hear those things he crawled quickly across the floor to the dresser. There he reached his hand underneath, feeling around until he felt what he was looking for. He pulled out the little medal box, opening it and pulling out the little blade that it concealed.

"You almost fucked me," Lovino whispered to it. There was no reply, as he expected.

Lovino sighed, putting it back in the box and putting the box back under the dresser. He stood, dusting himself off and thinking, "I'll tell Antonio it was Feliciano's stupid cat. The damn thing hates me."

With that in mind he walked into the kitchen stating, "I don't know what the fuck made the cat do it, but Feliciano's fucking cat scratched the hell out of my arm the other day when I went to visit. I forgot because I don't like to think about those visits when they include the potato bastard."

"Oh Lovi, try to be nice to Ludwig. Your brother loves him." Antonio said.

"Yeah, and I don't know why…" Lovino said. It seemed to be his new motto. 'I don't know.'

_Is a little knowledge_

_-I'm Okay_

"Lovino! Lovi?! Wha-what have you done to yourself?!" Antonio shouted as he stared at Lovino, who was sitting in the bathtub, which had water that had been stained red by the bloody coming for the cuts on Lovino's arms.

Lovino rolled his head to look at Antonio. "I'm okay." Lovino said weakly.

"No, no Lovi you're not okay. You're not okay at all, oh god, I have to call the ambulance. Oh, mi Lovino, oh Lovi," Antonio said as he argued with himself internally. Call the ambulance first or try to help Lovino? Uh, the ambulance. Yes, that's it.

Antonio dashed from the room, grabbing his cell phone and flipping it open.

"9-1-1 what's your emergency?" A woman's voice said at the other end.

"My bo- uh, my friend, he's in the bathtub and his arms, they're covered in blood and the water, oh, the water it's so red." Antonio started to hyperventilate.

"Sir. Sir, I'm going to need you to calm down so we can help your…friend. Where are you?"

Antonio quickly gave his address.

"Okay, an ambulance is on its way. Can you tell if your friend is conscious?

Antonio turned quickly, running to the bathroom and seeing Lovino's eyes, which were opened slightly.

"I-I don't think he is," Antonio said, voice weak.

"Well, you're going to need to be sure he doesn't drown. And the water could be keeping the wounds open, and it might be infecting them. So you may need to get him out of the water, at least partially. But don't move him too much, you don't want to worsen the bleeding." The woman instructed.

Antonio nodded, not caring that she couldn't see. He sat the phone down, hitting the speaker phone button.

"Sir? Did you get that? Are you there?" The voice came over the speaker, loud and clear.

"Yes, I'm trying to help him," Antonio said. He reached into the bathtub, grabbing him under the arms and lifting him gently so that he was in a sitting position, and he sat Lovino's arms on the side, the bleeding parts up. He bit his lip, turning to grab a towel.

"Is everything alright?"

"I sat him up. Will the ambulance be here soon? There is so much blood and the wounds won't stop and he just looks so…" Antonio stopped, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to push back the tears in his eyes. Why hadn't he seen before now?

What was he talking about. He had known. Or, he had had a pretty good idea about what was happening. But he hadn't done anything because Lovi kept saying, "I'm okay."

"The ambulance should be there any minute. As long as he isn't going to drown then you can start to try and stop the bleeding, using clean towels. But be careful. And if it looks like it is getting worse, stop."

But before he could do anything he heard sirens and he ran to the door, flinging it open to see paramedics, ready with a stretcher walking toward the front door.

"Where is he?" One asked.

"Down the hall, first door on the right." Antonio said, then followed them as they ran to the bathroom, not even flinching at the sight that was making Antonio's stomach churn.

He watched as they walked out of the bathroom, Lovino on the stretcher, covered with a thin blanket from the waist down.

Antonio followed them to the door and one said, "You can ride in the ambulance with him."

Antonio nodded, running to grab his phone and flipped it closed, running back to the door, closing it and quickly climbing into the ambulance. He sat down next to Lovino staring down at him.

One paramedic was trying to clean the wounds and cover them as quickly as possible. There were fluids attached to his arm. Lovino's eyes fluttered open and he looked up at Antonio whispering, "I said I was okay, bastard." Before falling back asleep.

_Is some pain._

_-Leave Me Alone_

Lovino had been in the hospital for four days now. He had major blood loss, and after a mental examination he had been diagnosed with depression. But how could he not have been?

Antonio stood outside the door with two hot chocolates in his hands. It was almost cold enough to snow outside, and he knew Lovino loved hot chocolate. He opened the door, peeking in. Lovino was sitting on the bed, arms crossed. He looked up to see Antonio.

"Oh, it's just you. Bastard," Lovino said, looking away from him. Antonio walked in, balancing the two cups with one arm to open the door, he walked in quickly, grabbing one cup in his now free hand and he smiled, walking closer to Lovino. The door slowly shut behind him.

"I brought you some hot chocolate, Lovi~" Antonio said, setting one on the small table next to Lovino's bed.

"I don't want it," Lovino said.

"But…but you love hot chocolate, Lovi! Why don't you want any?" Antonio asked, slightly hurt.

"Maybe I just don't want to see you," Lovino said, looking up at Antonio with anger in his eyes.

Antonio looked at him in surprise. "L-Lovi? Are you….are you mad at me?" Antonio asked.

"Yes, bastard, I'm pissed off. Because of you I'm here in this fucking hospital where I can't have any sharp objects for fear of my life. And I've got the crazy fucking psychiatrist who keeps telling me that it's okay if I don't feel the best because I am loved and blah blah blah. It's fucking stupid and I hate it and I didn't fucking need it!" Lovino shouted, breathing heavily by the end of his rant.

"But Lovi. You weren't okay. And I only wanted to help you because I lov-"

"Don't!" Lovino cut him off. "Don't you dare say that to me. I want to hear it! I want you to leave!" Lovino yelled, pointing to the door.

Antonio nodded, turning around to face the door. He still had his hot chocolate in his hand, but now it felt cold. He stopped at the door.

"I hope you enjoy the hot chocolate. If you want to see me, I'll only be a phone call away, always. And I love you." Antonio stepped out of the room, hearing Lovino yell, "I said don't say that and leave me the fuck alone!"

Antonio's hand shook as he closed the door behind him. A short blonde came walking toward him, a smile planted on his face.

"Hello. I suppose you are Antonio, the one that called, am I correct?" The small blonde asked.

"Yes…and you are?" Antonio replied

"Oh, how rude of me. My name is Dr. Kirkland. I'm Lovino's psychiatrist. And I was hoping that I could talk to you," Dr. Kirkland said, smiling slightly.

Antonio nodded, "Okay, about what."

The doctors smile fell from his face. "About Lovino."

"Of course. But what about him?" Antonio asked, still confused.

"Follow me to my office please," Dr. Kirkland didn't wait for him to answer, instead turning and walking briskly down the hallway. Antonio scrambled to keep up.

They soon reached a small office door that Dr. Kirkland opened, walking in and motioning for Antonio to follow. Antonio did so, sitting in a chair indicated by the doctor.

"Antonio," he said as he sat down behind his desk. "Lovino is very…unstable right now."

"I noticed, Dr. Kirkland," Antonio said.

"You can call me Arthur. But anyway, it seems as if he believes he, um, unloved and unlovable. And he believes this very strongly."

Antonio's eyes widened. Didn't Lovino know that Antonio loved him more than life itself?

"Are you sure…?" Antonio asked.

"Well, when he says that himself, then yes I do believe it. And I can't help but assume that the two of you are…together…romantically," Arthur turned red at this, coughing.

"Yes, we are dating and he lives with me," Antonio answered the unasked question.

"Right. Well, that is really none of my business. But I assume that means that you care for him very much," Arthur looked Antonio in the eyes when asking this.

"I love him more than my own life," Antonio answered, not hesitating. He had known how much he loved Lovino since he was in high school.

"Then you will need to keep a close eye on him. He will keep trying to hurt himself. He feels, for lack of a better word, useless. And he is going to seek reassurance of your love often. Very often," Arthur said.

Antonio nodded. He was used to this from his little Lovi.

"Antonio, I don't think you understand. He won't know how to ask for reassurance. He will probably lash out. He will tell you to leave him alone and that he doesn't want to talk to you. But really, all he wants is you to tell him you, uh, love him," Arthur said, slightly blushing.

"I understand. But now I think I need to go see him. If you'll excuse me," Antonio jumped up from his seat, walking to the door and flashing a smile at Arthur.

Arthur leaned back in his seat, watching Antonio leave. "He is in for a load of trouble," a small voice whispered in Arthur's ear.

"Yes, Mint Bunny, he really is in for a load of trouble. But I think he can handle it," Arthur answered, gently petting the green bunny that was flying next to him.

_Is a little, 'I need you.'_

_-And In the Silence_

Antonio walked back into Lovino's room. Lovino was lying down, curled up under the blankets. He looked to be asleep. Antonio saw that the hot chocolate he had left was sitting in the trashcan, empty. He smiled slightly at that.

Antonio walked to the side of Lovino's bed, sitting in a chair and looking at the form under the blanket.

"Oh, Lovi, mi tomate, I do love you. I don't know what would make you believe otherwise. One day I'll make you see just how important you are to me," Antonio sighed, letting his eyes flutter closed and leaning back against the chair.

Lovino peeked out from under the blankets he had covered himself with. He had done so to make everyone think he was asleep. It had worked.

"But why?" Lovino whispered.

Antonio's eyes flew open. "Lovi? Did you just ask why?"

Lovino sat up, looking at him. "Yeah, bastard. I want to know what the fuck made you love someone as awful as me."

"Lovino!" Antonio cried, "You have to stop saying such things about yourself! You are not awful, you are beautiful, amazing, wonderful. And I think that because it's true. And I love you because I want to, because you're beautiful, amazing, and wonderful! And I love that you can get angry, it's just what makes you who you are!"

Lovino just stared at him, eyes wide.

"Lovi, you are the reason I get up in the morning. You are the person that I love to cuddle when I sleep. You are the person that I love to fix breakfast, because I like to hear you whisper thank you and see you lush. Lovino Vargas, Lovi, mi tomate, I love you." Antonio said, looking at Lovino with soft eyes.

Lovino continued to stare at Antonio, not speaking.

"Lovi? Are you okay?" Antonio said, leaning toward him.

Lovino still gave no response.

"Lovi?! Are you okay?! Say something! Please!" Antonio's eyes grew worried. It was unlike Lovino to be so quiet.

"Did you mean it?" Lovino whispered, so quiet that Antonio was unsure what he had said.

"What Lovi?" Antonio asked.

"I said, did you mean it. What you said," Lovino's eyes met his before he quickly turned away.

Antonio grabbed Lovino's chin, gently turning Lovino to look him in the eye. "Of course I meant it. Every word. Is that what you were thinking about? If I was lying?"

"Y-yes," Lovino whispered.

Antonio chose to lean forward, catching Lovino's lips in a slow, loving kiss instead of answering. Lovino leaned into the kiss, needing the contact. Antonio broke the kiss, smiling at Lovino, whose cheeks had gone red.

"What the hell, jerk?" Lovino asked.

Antonio chuckled, moving to sit on the bed next to Lovino. Lovino moved over, giving Antonio room to sit next to him. Before saying a word Antonio pulled Lovino into another kiss, pulling Lovino close to him. Lovino's eyes closed and he pushed himself up, opening his lips just slightly.

Antonio slid his tongue into Lovino's mouth, exploring every nook and cranny of Lovino's mouth and enjoying the moans coming from Lovino. Lovino's hands tangled in Antonio's hair, pulling Antonio as close as possible. Antonio moaned at the feeling, sliding a hand up the shirt Lovino had been given at the hospital. Lovino moved toward the touch.

Antonio pulled slowly out of the kiss, breathing heavily and resting his forehead lightly on Lovino's.

"Now Lovi, we can't do anything like that in a hospital," Antonio whispered.

Lovino's cheeks turned a darker shade of red. He glared up at Antonio saying, "I wasn't thinking something like that anyway, fucking pervert."

"Ah, Lovi I'm hurt. Francis is the pervert, not me!" Antonio said, leaning against the propped up bed. Lovino continued to sit up, looking back at Antonio.

"Well obviously you are a pervert to, bastard," Lovino said.

Antonio just chuckled, pulling Lovino back against the bed, keeping an arm around him and saying, "But I'm your pervert?"

Lovino's cheeks grew even darker as he leaned his head on Antonio's shoulder muttering, "I fucking guess so…"

Antonio chuckled again, kissing the top of Lovino's head and saying, "Te amo."

"T-Ti amo," Lovino whispered back.

_Is a lot of thought. _

_Epilogue. 1 year later._

Antonio woke up to an empty bed. He felt around on Lovino's side before sitting up and looking around the room. Nothing.

He stood, walking to the door and calling out, "Lovi!"

He got no response. He sighed, walking into the hallway and into the kitchen. He found Lovino there, eating a tomato. "Lovi? What are you doing?"

"What the hell does it look like I'm doing? I'm eating a fucking tomato," Lovino said, taking another bite of the juicy fruit, looking at the wall.

"Okay…" Antonio said before going to get his own tomato. He wiped it on his shirt, taking a bite.

"So why are you eating a tomato at two in the morning?" Antonio said.

"Because I want to!" Lovino said, turning to look at Antonio. Wrong move. The tear stains on his cheeks were clear to Antonio. He crossed the room in a second, wrapping his arms around Lovino and whispering, "What happened?"

"N-nothing. I just…I had a bad dream…" Lovino muttered.

"Tell me about it," Antonio demanded, stepping back to look at Lovino.

"It was stupid…" Lovino said.

"No, it made you cry, so it is not stupid," Antonio said, pulling up Lovino's chin so that they were eye to eye.

"I was just….it was about….I mean…Antonio, did you only start to love me because I was in the hospital? Because in the dream you told you friends that you were with me to keep me from committing suicide, but you really loved someone else and then I woke up and I was afraid because what if what my dream said was right and…" Lovino's eyes were wide with worry and tears were forming again.

"Oh, Lovi. No, I love you, not anyone else. I've loved you since I met you. You've always been the one for me. Now come to bed with me," Antonio said, running a hand through Lovino's hair.

Lovino moved into the touch, wiping the tears from his eyes. He stood up, walking toward his room with Antonio following him.

As they lied down on the bed Lovino whispered, "That was fucking stupid, I'm….I'm sorry…" Lovino whispered to Antonio.

"Oh Lovi, I don't care. It wasn't stupid. And Lovi?" Antonio said this while pulling Lovino close to him, wrapping his arms around him protectively.

"Yeah, bastard?" Lovino said, moving himself closer, blushing as he slid his hand into Antonio's.

"I'll always love you more than anyone. Te amo, mi tomate," Antonio intertwined his fingers with Lovino's.

"Ti amo, bastardo," Lovino replied, letting his eyes fall closed as he felt Antonio place a kiss gently on his neck.

_But someday, maybe you can find the person who will learn to see what is always hidden behind every…_


End file.
